I wanna talk about self-love again. From a different position. From a learned posture. From a new lens. From where I’ve been. From where I’m still standing with my gentle spirit clutched in my hands. Still standing with new legs. New stems. New pillars around my heart. And yes, you know I gotta come artsy and shit (LOL). I really can’t help it! You know I can’t help the art the pours from me… Legit, can’t ever just really speak without imagery. And... but, doesn’t metaphor deserve to be placed on pages and read between the folds of your day? Don’t they deserve to be really felt, anyway… Isn’t it worth submerging in the escape it creates. Don’t you ache to feel more deeply… Much like sunsets deserve to be savored when they brush the sky… I can’t help but to deliver messages with a decadent linguistic lust wrapped around them. Flavored flowers for your eyes to see whenever I share with you what's on my heart… What's beneath.
Currently, I feel a need to talk about self-love and the importance of solitude....
It took a lot to scratch under the surface and reach new depths of my gratitude. It took the world crashing around me for me to truly value my solitude… Honestly, it took me falling on my face more times than I could count or tumble down the bottomless hill of co-dependence. It took forced grace. It took chasing people I thought would stay. Trying to feel closer to that forever love (forever friendship, forever real) place. It was just a part of my plan, it was all a dream. But, I could never seem to love them into loving me reciprocally (authentically, anyway). I spent a lot of time spinning in my self-worth, a lot of time overthinking love but not putting me first… whole lot of settling and setting the expectations high for my experience of love. Building resentment up, creating another grudge. I spent a lot of time being love itself for the wrong someone or something outside… incapable/unavailable/unreliable... benign love... and receiving my own tears in return. Taking huge strides in the wrong direction. I’d be tight or whatever but I had a model in mind to live out. Fairy tales to hold on to even if it meant not choosing me or not opening my mouth 1 more time on any given day… Attached to the idea of life partnership… attached to way happily ever after sounds… so maybe it was just after the sorrow stopped… after I round this or that corner. Maybe the phone will ring and they’d always be on the other end… Maybe they'd value me eventually.
Or maybe it’s all pretend… running after this utopic version of togetherness but alone (even when we were together, alone). Being frivolous with my heart. Only to realize my need for my own attention… my own tenderness.
… And then, there was a pandemic… of existentialistic proportions… I mean everything changed. Everything was pouring when it rained. Everything seemed to be unraveling into daily knots in my stomach… disappearing into the echo my place developed when “forever love” left. The emptiness flooded in… Lonely came by to try ending me frequently and with stabbing vigor…
I found myself alone again, but in ways I had never known or noticed before…. Trying to find home within myself. Was I even really here anymore? Had I been whittled down to a nub of who I wished to be… scattered pieces of me over cracked floors…
Being alone with myself was so difficult in the beginning… leaving no way to ignore it. Like adjusting to the cold of the deep end of the pool. But I did… Here’s how I sought and found solace in my solitude:
Intentionality around caring for my needs (beyond the basics… physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually)
Intentionality around nurturing my dreams and goals
Becoming my own bestie, including practicing self-compassion
Starting new healthy routines/habits
Having fun with myself – Solo dating (It’s not about tolerating your solitude… Enjoy yourself!)
Allowing myself to be whatever I am or feeling in the moment
Rest!
Listen, I’m still a work in progress… I still have my heavy days, but these are just ways I’ve grown to love, enjoy and appreciate myself for who God made… What once felt like a punishment… like a wall-less prison… Solitude has helped me create a valuable and joyous existence. Focused my vision. I’m breathing better. And better has been giving abundantly … Resisting lack-mentality. Listening to my body. Forgiving myself for everything I didn’t know. Carving out time and space to show gratitude for the countless blessings in my reach… and yes, every teachable moment too… Grateful every morning that I wake up again to accept and celebrate all I am and will be.
Here's a playlist I created in celebration of where WE’VE landed in our self-love journeys: Sugar List #8 - Dancing in Solitude
I hope you play it loudly! Dance around and send soft smiles into the mirror at yourself… I hope you feel the beat in your chest and it leaves little beads across your arms. I hope you feel your best today but remember that you are love embodied, even if you don’t. I hope you let the bass thump around you… and loosen you jaw. I hope you start taking more moments for your peace and make it law! I hope you soften and stand in your solitude. You deserve you. That’s all. Take Care...
-Erin Sheree
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